I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Boobs speak an international language.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
