so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
