Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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