he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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