and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
