The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
