The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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