Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
