I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
