Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
