There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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