you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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