So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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