How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Farmville is her only friend.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
