I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
