Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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