Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
