WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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