and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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