So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
