sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
