i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
