I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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