Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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