A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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