hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
