sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
