I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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