There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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