He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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