She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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