Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
