If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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