she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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