sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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