I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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