my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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