your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I said "one day" and that day is not today
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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