You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
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So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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