he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
