I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
