If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
