every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
