She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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