i wish my penis had a tongue
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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