I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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