OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
