I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
