i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
