We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
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It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
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I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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