I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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