He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
