last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
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i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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