cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
