I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
