I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
